A friend is someone who should build you up, not knock you down. Sometimes the person you’re calling a friend is actually a frenemy. These red flags will help you discover the so-called “friend” that could be more toxic than true.
She compliments your new haircut, freshly renovated apartment, and adorable rescue puppy, and then always follows up with a warning that brings it down a notch: “But, you shouldn’t have cut it so short,” “But green is the Zen color for bedrooms,” or “What about all that shedding?”
“Criticism is a slow but steady poison for any close relationship,” says Jared DeFife, PhD, a psychologist based on Atlanta, Georgia. “But so is bending yourself out of shape trying to constantly win the approval of others.”
If your frenemy often gives you mixed compliments, you can try to talk to her about it and address the problem, even though she may not be able to fix it.
“You might need to set some boundaries and share your good news with friends who will amplify your joy instead of smothering it under a wet blanket of constant criticism,” DeFife says.
How beautiful everything was when you were young and you’d talk for hours with your friends on the phone. Even though now it is much easier to communicate then it was back in the day, texting and social media have contributed to estranged relationships.
“My feeling is that although we text nearly every day, I need that personal contact with people I care about,” says Irene S. Levine, PhD, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. “To me, it says, ‘You’re important enough that I want to make time for you.’”
If your friend doesn’t seem to care about you enough to call from time to time, she may just be a frenemy. “If she has time for Botox appointments, she should have time for brunch,” Levine says.
Sometimes the so-called “friends” only want to benefit from you, or from sabotaging your career. Pay close attention to who’s around you and try to spot who’s honest and who’s not.
“Frenemies in the workplace can be especially toxic. Women often get close to their colleagues without realizing that at times performance issues, competition for promotions, or other business factors will impact their friendships,” says Nancy A. Shenker, author of Don’t Hook Up With the Dude in the Next Cube: 200+ Career Secrets for 20-Somethings.
However, friendship can exist even in the office. Women can form personal bonds and can actually work better together according to some studies, but in some cases, it can be catastrophic, too. “Establishing boundaries upfront is key,” Shenker says. “Business is business.”
Flirting or suddenly going out with your ex without you or without telling you, is a frenemy red flag. “Nip this in the bud and tell your friend exactly what’s bothering you, what you want to change, and how you want it to change,” advises April Mansini, relationship and etiquette expert.
If a divorce is involved, maybe she won’t understand the emotions at play and therefore may welcome this discussion as part of the friendship learning curve. “If your friend is trying to hurt you intentionally, after you’ve expressed why the playdates with your ex bother you, move on,” Mansini says.
Working moms often assume that stay-at-home moms just play all day with their children. If you think your “friend” thinks that about you, it could be a sign of jealousy.
“Your friend might be overwhelmed, frazzled, and unhappy, actually,” says Leah Klungness, PhD, a psychologist and parenting expert, “so she glorifies the idea of unscheduled days at home with stretches of time for baking cookies and a leisurely second cup of coffee after the kids get on the bus.”
Your friend doesn’t see domestic chores or raising children as hard work. Try to have a conversation with her by gently remind her that everything in life is a trade-off, that the grass isn’t always greener.
Especially if you’re going through a hard time, it’s normal for friends to wonder how things are going. However, there are constructive ways to ask questions and then there are bad intentions that only serve to highlight your struggles. For example, if a married friend asks how you manage to be a single mom, how your ex-spouse is doing on child support, or she only calls to tell you that she’s seen your ex with someone new, she’s definitely not your friend.
“This person will not grow kinder or nicer,” Klungness says. “She harps about the space squeeze in the single mom’s apartment because the square footage of her home is one of the few things in her life’s plus column.”
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This has been very helpful for me at this particular time. A woman I care deeply for has blocked all communications. Yet she intrudes my computer to send false documents. My face book page has three profiles, and multiple dating sites and chat rooms reveal my profile, but they are false and stolen profiles. I have also been befriended by a landscape architect, female, who offered to help me, but the hidden agenda was to take advantage of my 45 years of experience as a General Contractor. When I told her I was not willing to take on jobs for her benefit, she began slandering me and talking behind my back. Yes, it is true . I often hear compliments about my work with a BUT following. Validating your reflection of feeling a need to maintain some leverage and control. She has even become an influence on my love relationship with the woman mentioned before
She has vilified me as fitting and seeking others falsely. I am truly invested in my emotional attachment with this love, even if it is only a close friendship. I have stated that numerous times, but still she ghosts me and guilt me with out acknowledging me. I am a very serious and deep man....sensitive if you will. I prefer talking in person so I can read body language as well as expressed discussion. If not possible in person, a live phone call shows some care to respect another by expressing those feelings or issues that are pushing her away. I am overly tenacious about communicating, when I know there is misinterpreted misunderstandings. I do need to work on my boundaries, and this has become very enlightening for me. Carding is not fixing. Caring is listening, respecting and honoring the others choices. I have made every effort to step back, not react and listen attentively, if I have the opportunity. If there is not interaction presented, I try to avoid initiating any communication other than whisking a Happy Easter. I will send flowers for her birthday with a simple Happy Birtday. These circumstances having become intermingled is a terrible situation . I do feel there is possibility, if I can step back respect boundaries. And t remain supportive but not controlling. It has been many years since I have felt this close of a connection, and I have caused some damage. I still feel there can be forgiveness and healing even if just as a friendship. Truly loving another means wanting their happiness foremost. It is difficult especially as we age, and the wounds and scares of past toxic relationships tend to close one off. I choose to remain positive that sharing a mutually rewarding life partnership is possible by respecting and honoring boundaries, but also being open to communicate. Silence breeds mistrust and doubt. These are not healthy forms of interaction. Thank you very much for this opportunity to vocalize my personal experience. It is especially difficult to hold these things in, but there are limits to who or what you can share.