Every relationship has its own rules, but sometimes, rules were meant to be broken, right? Especially in this case.
Feeling the need to hide your desires from your partner is a red flag. However, that doesn’t mean you should be totally filter-free around your partner, says Shaunti Feldhahn, social researcher and author of The Kindness Challenge: Thirty Days to Improve Any Relationship.
“The problem is that all of us have a pretty distinct capacity for both kindness and harshness and are more careful with other people to not let the worst versions of ourselves come out,” she says. “When we say ‘I can just be myself,’ sometimes what we mean is we can be the harshest version of ourselves.”
She advises treating your significant other to the best version of yourself instead of constantly using your partner to let off steam.
Healthy sex life will make both partners happy overall, but you shouldn’t expect that every romp has to involve equal attention to each of you, says Jane Greer, PhD, a New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship.
“Sometimes sex can be for one person and sometimes for the other,” she says. “It doesn’t always have to be both of you about all the time.”
There are times when you should give your partner some extra attention, and times where you shouldn’t feel selfish for asking for a bit more.
When you’re upset with your partner, don’t let him everything that annoys you. “When you vent, you think you’re letting steam out of the kettle so it doesn’t explode later,” says Feldhahn. “But neurologically what you’re doing is actually turning up the heat. When you express anger more and more, it further activates an interconnected anger system in your brain.”
By discussing every little thing that bothers you, you’re just replaying those annoyances ver and over again. Instead of always complaining to your friends or to your partner’s face, think about every little thing that you love about your significant other. Soon you’ll find that those annoyances don’t bother you as much, says Feldhahn.
Don’t get me wrong, honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. If you do need to bring up something, make sure to always say it gently instead of bluntly letting out your harsh complaints. “The best relationships are absolutely honest with each other, but not brutal,” says Feldhahn. Just like you would talk to a coworker or friend, use kind words with your partner as well.
There are situations where you know for sure that you’re absolutely right during a fight with your partner, however, you shouldn’t wait around for an apology. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and say sorry for your part in the fight.
This way, you can both move on instead of stewing in unresolved anger, says Dr. Greer. Moreover, if you’re always the one apologizing, follow up by asking if your partner feels sorry, too. “Pose the question and engage your partner’s response,” she says. “If they say they aren’t sorry, prompt them about what may need to change because you need to be able to trust he or she won’t do this again.”
In reality, even happy couples actually do hit the sack before resolving a fight, says Feldhahn. “When you have two exhausted, angry, upset people trying to duke it out at one in the morning, nothing good will come from that,” she says. The most important thing regarding a fight is that people in strong relationships don’t pretend it never happened, she says. Instead, they both agree to talk about it the next day, even if that means laughing about how silly it was. It’s always better to talk when you both have clearer heads.
I think we could all agree that this is an old-fashioned rule which just went out the window. “Guys don’t like having to pay all the time, so women can offer to pay for certain aspects of their shared life rather than always expecting her partner to pay,” says Dr. Greer. “Make him feel cared about too.” Offer to pay for a nice dinner out, or start covering the cost of a class you take together, she suggests.
Romantic gestures like giving a dozen roses or planning a surprise trip aren’t even the best ways to show how much you care. Instead, how you treat your partner on a daily basis means much more to the strength of your relationship, says Feldhahn.
“Those big ones are nice, but those are the big moments. Those do not make a marriage,” she says. “It’s the little day-to-day acts of generosity and kindness that have the big impact.” Make sure to always let your partner know how much you appreciate him/her and thank your partner for doing the little things that mean so much.
If your significant other almost always initiates sex, don’t assume it shouldn’t happen if he or she doesn’t make a move. As long as you’re both satisfied, it doesn’t matter who acts first, says Dr. Greer. “What matters is that both people initiate freely when they’re in the mood so there’s a constant give and take,” she says. Give your partner some signals instead of silently hoping that your significant other heats things up. But if your partner isn’t in the mood, don’t push it. Just discuss a time in the future when you both will be more receptive, says Dr. Greer.
Being nice to strangers is always important. However, targeting your kind acts toward your significant other could actually bring you more happiness, says Feldhahn, who started the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to encourage people to spend a month strengthening one relationship. “
It’s not the random acts of kindness—it’s the targeted acts of kindness, targeted to one person,” she says. “When you’re really intentional and specific, like with the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, it impacts the other person, and it really changes you.”
This way you’ll make your partner feel more appreciated, and you’ll train yourself to see the best parts of your relationship.
Keeping scores shouldn’t be off-limits in a relationship. “You should keep score—you just need to keep score of what the other person is doing in a positive way, the amazing things about them,” says Feldhahn. By noticing all the little things your partner does to see you happy, you’ll only show even more appreciation and be more inclined to reciprocate with more acts of kindness.
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