If we abide by the rule to never judge a book by its cover, we can also apply it when it comes to judging people. You can’t really know for sure that someone is the unfaithful type with just one glance. In reality, anyone can be considered a cheater; it all depends on what your definition of cheating is.
According to relationship counselor and clinical sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee of Eros Coaching, infidelity depends on people’s boundaries. For some, cheating can be emotional, for others it can be physical. “Most people are more disturbed by the breaking of trust and the intimacy in the ‘rival’ relationship, than whether there is sex involved,” she says.
According to a 2010 to 2017 General Social Survey conducted by the Institute for Family Studies, 20% of men and 13% of women have had extra-marital affairs. What’s more disturbing is that people who were cheated on never anticipated that their partners would be unfaithful, at least, not until it was too late.
So, does infidelity have a face? Maybe not, but according to science, there are some things most people who cheat have in common. If you notice any of the following red flags, it might be that your partner is also hiding something.
It pretty much goes without saying that secrets are no fun if you can’t share them with someone. But when it comes to a cheater’s secrets, apart from being unfunny, they remain just that: secrets.
You know a cheater is hiding something if their recent calls list, text messages on their phone, or folders in their email are all private. A locked phone is a dead giveaway that someone is trying to keep something away from you.
“Your partner doesn’t want you to see their private activity, and therefore is purposefully excluding you from a vital portion of their lives,” says Susan Winter the New York City-based relationship expert. Cheaters tend to put a lot of work into keeping what they do a secret, not only romantic affairs but also personal information about their family, their friends are, where they work etc. “What do you actually know about your partner’s life, family, upbringing, and personal life?” Winters says. “A cheater keeps their cards close to their chest.”
Next, what’s in a name?…..
Another trait cheaters have in common is the fact that they rarely if ever call their love interest by their names. They constantly use nicknames such as “baby” and “sweetheart” to make sure they aren’t getting your name wrong. Think of the 2006 teen comedy “John Tucker Must Die,” when the male protagonist called his three girlfriends by all sorts of pet names except their real ones.
According to Winters, cheaters use nicknames to make sure they will never get caught slipping. “Calling out the wrong name in the heat of passion is a faux pas that’s hard to backpedal,” explains Winter explained, while pet names can be easily remembered by someone dating more than one person.
Of course, just because someone calls you pet names, doesn’t mean you’re being cheated. To err on the side of caution, make sure you also take a look at these 9 Ways to Prevent Paranoia From Ruining Your Relationship.
Next, see what they are experts in…..
Don’t feel guilty for falling for a cheater’s charm and the string of excuses for not showing up on your date. It’s difficult not to believe someone who’s an expert at telling lies. Cheaters are so good that they make sure they have the foundation laid well ahead of actually telling a certain lie, says Leslie Beth Wish, a noted psychotherapist, author, and founder of Love Victory.
“They might begin way ahead of time by telling you that their workload at the office just dramatically increased because of reorganization or people leaving,” she warns. These are all carefully planned-out lies so that they can have a plausible excuse for not being with you sometime in the near future.
Apart from knowing how to lie, cheaters also know when to lie and how to behave so that their lies are never discovered unless they want to. “They are masters at seeming believable,” Wish says. “They can look you in the eye and say things such as: ‘What a long day at work,’ when they were actually with another person.”
See also 18 Social Media Habits That Are Still Considered Cheating.
Next, a little from column A, a little from column B?…..
Every relationship starts with the honeymoon stage, just like explained in this post: 5 Main Stages of a Relationship Every Couple Goes Through.
You want to be with your loved interest all the time and can’t keep your hands off each other. Gradually, the passion subsides, but even though you might not receive flowers every day or shower one another with the same amount of love and affection, the spark is still there. In normal relationships, that is.
When it comes to cheaters, don’t be surprised if the passion dies down much sooner than you’ve ever imagined. The cheater keeps you hanging, not giving you 100 percent but not letting you go either. “When you reach out, you get no reply or told they’ll get right back to you — which they don’t,” Wish says. Being unpredictable is what cheaters are masters at.
Next, see what they rationalize…..
If you’re familiar with the phrase, “it’s not you, it’s me”, you can be sure you’ve been played by someone who has been dating other people while dating you. Cheaters usually say things like this to justify their polyamorous behavior and subconsciously trick you into thinking it’s really your fault for them not being faithful to you. It’s their way of getting inside your head and making you doubt yourself for their cheating ways.
In another situation, cheaters often blame their partners when trying to convince them that their actions are justified. They’ll say things such as “Our relationship is un-fulfilling sexually and emotionally, so I have to get it elsewhere,'” says Wish, or “My partner and I do not have the same sexual preferences”. It is never their fault; they are simply victims in all of this.
Next, discover why they change the subject…..
It’s every cheater’s instinct to change the subject whenever their partner starts asking uncomfortable questions. If you ask your significant other about the co-worker they’ve been working rather closely lately or their single friend who always calls at very inappropriate hours and they try to talk about something else, it might be a sure sign that they are trying to hide something.
Cheaters change the course of the conversation faster than you could finish your question, always playing down their actions and turning you into a drama queen, says award-winning therapist and survivor of psychological abuse, Shannon Thomas.
Read also 10 Subtle Signs That Your Spouse Is Cheating On You.
Next, see how risky they can be…..
Similar to bullies, cheaters thrive when they have the power and are in control of things. To attain that sort of power, they are willing to take any kind of risk, even if they jeopardize their serious relationships. It has been scientifically proven that the more power people have, the higher chances they’ll cheat on their partners.
According to Wish, many of the people who cheat on their significant others “are deeply insecure people who feel flawed, unloved, angry, and, ironically, robbed of something that they needed emotionally in life as a child.” Maybe it is them, not you, after all.
RELATED: How to Trust Your Partner Again After Betrayal.
Next, when is enough, enough?
Cheaters always want more…more attention, more money, more praises, more appreciation. They can never get enough! They want the people around them, especially their partners, to shower them with compliments and boost their ego constantly.
They are always in search of something new to do, and this includes a new person to conquer and “play” with. The sad thing is that they never feel satisfied with what they do or who they have in their lives.
Next, discover just how secure they are…..
According to psychologists, certain personality traits of many unfaithful partners are the result of past experiences that have left them with scars. Many cheaters may have been subjected to emotional abuse in their childhood, not receiving any love and attention. Others may have witnessed their own parents being unfaithful, thus growing up with a distorted view of relationships.
It’s quite a paradox, but cheaters often want the very thing that makes them be unfaithful: to always have someone available to them and never be alone.
See also: How Social Media Can Affect Your Relationship, According to Experts
Finally, can a leopard really change its spots?…..
What someone sees as cheating might be just flirting for someone else. It’s really up to each and every one of us to set up our own boundaries and have a clear notion of what we can tolerate and what we simply cannot accept.
Whatever you consider cheating to be, it’s important to notice the warning signs and personality traits of serial cheaters. Poor and disrespectful behavior, whether it comes from a man or a woman, should not be excused, no matter what.
While most of the time, intuition and clear signs all point to a cheating partner, sometimes it might be just our imagination playing tricks on us.
To rule that out, make sure you also take a look at these 9 Ways to Prevent Paranoia From Ruining Your Relationship.
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