If you’re thinking of giving yourself a second (or even third) shot at love, good for you. Many divorced people no longer believe in love after love, so getting remarried takes a lot of courage. If you are looking for your future significant other or have already found them and decided to give marriage a second go, there’s one thing you should keep in mind: your new marriage will be very different from your previous one.
From emotional and sexual changes to red tape ones, here are 18 things marriage counselors and therapists want you to know before you take the plunge again.
Because you’re not a newbie at this whole marriage thing, you’ll tend to think a lot about your previous marriage and analyze things from various perspectives. But this can be a good thing. According to Amy Sherman, a licensed mental health counselor in Boca Raton, Florida, people who got out of marriages should try to pinpoint what were the reasons they decided to call it quits the first time. Identifying what you do and don’t want in a new partner, can help you find love again easier than you expected.
Sherman advises her clients to do a little introspection and answer a particularly important question: “How desperate are you to be in a relationship again?”. Surprisingly or not, many people remarry because they don’t know or want to be alone; they’ve lived for so long in a codependent relationship that single life seems too scary to them. Get your reasons straight before you decide to tie the knot again and make sure you do it to “enhance your life, as opposed to fill you up.”
Human beings are creatures of habit and routine. That being said, it’s no wonder most people like being in their comfort zone, around familiar people and things. It’s the same thing with marriage. You might subconsciously choose to spend the rest of your life with someone simply because they feel familiar. The downside is that they might be familiar because they are too similar to your former partner and look at how things ended up between the two of you.
Co-parenting is not easy, especially after a nasty divorce. But for the sake of your children, you’ll have to do it. If you don’t have children of your own to worry about, your new partner might have them, so you’ll need to learn how to be a good stepparent once you remarry. “You want to find out what the children like, what they’re interested in so that you could align yourself with that and have a common thread with them,” says Sherman. She recommends teaming up with the ex-spouse or other parent to make sure you’re doing everything in your power to make the kids happy and comfortable with your presence.
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Bringing two families together in a second marriage can pose many challenges and problems. Your new partner might just be the most amazing and caring person in the world, but, it will be impossible for them to take the place of your children’s other natural parent. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but there might be moments when you miss the closeness and familiarity you used to have with the other natural parent.
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It sounds stupid, but it can happen. More than that, you might be doing it too! It’s not unusual for people to slip up and say the wrong name out of habit or absentmindedly. “It happened once when I was being introduced to a V.I.P. in my husband’s business…because of his nerves!” says Lindy Zerboni, a remarried woman from California. If it’s not your new partner calling you by the wrong name, it might be your new family, like your in-laws or your partner’s close friends.
You might feel like you don’t need it, being older and wiser when you say “I do” for the second (or third) time in your life. But premarital counseling is not only for young adults having their first rodeo. It could also benefit seasoned couples, helping them solve their internal issues and conflicts before entering another marriage.
Sun Tzu once said that “every battle is won before it is fought”. If you want to win your “second marriage “battle” and increase your chances of having a successful second marriage by 15-30 percent, don’t say no to counseling, especially if your next spouse is the one broaching the subject.
As Dr. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz explained it in their book, In Marriage Simple Things Matter, people who remarry treat each other with more respect and have more consideration for the other person’s individuality, opinions and feelings. Compared to their past marriage, a second, or even third marriage, is their opportunity to a new life, one in which respect is extremely important.
Tactile communication such as touching and kissing might be different with your second spouse. According to Elizabeth Schmitz, couples in their second marriage will have to make a conscious effort to show their affection and feelings through tactile communication because they are no longer “newlyweds in a first-time marriage with bright eyes and bushy tails.”
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It’s understandable to have some sort of baggage from your previous marriage. After all, just because things didn’t work out, doesn’t mean you can just erase the past few years spent together from your memory. More than that, you mind find yourself taking a trip down memory lane and comparing your ex with your new partner. It’s something normal, says Linda Charnes, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York. In fact, it can help you realize why you decided to go your separate way with your previous spouse and prevent you from repeating your past mistakes.
Also, check out these 25 Reasons Divorcing In Your 40s Isn’t The End of The World.
Most people who decide to tie the knot again, have higher expectations about their new relationship. But just because you’re more seasoned now, doesn’t mean your second marriage will necessarily be better than your previous one. “People have unrealistic ideas that a change of scene is going to make an enormous change,” says Charnes. Instead of assuming that your new marriage will be completely different than your previous one, and that you’ll be living an eternally blissful life, set realistic expectations and embrace whatever comes your way with an open heart.
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Your new partner might feel the need to be your knight in shining armor, ready to save the day and the damsel in distress aka you, especially if you had a rockier previous marriage. But if you and your ex kept things civil and are still friends, your current spouse might get a little bit jealous. To prevent the situation from escalating, make sure you are open towards your new partner and tackle whatever issues might trouble you, with honesty and transparency.
Entering another marriage means entering another family all over again. Given that your previous marriage didn’t end up well, your family or your new partner’s family might feel the need to be more involved in your new relationship, and make sure this time things do work out for you. Unfortunately, their good intentions might make them meddle in your life way more than they should.
“The family members may get too involved in the relationship and the spouse feels like they’re getting ganged up on,” warns therapist Courtney Geter, LMFP, CSP, based in Decatur, Georgia. If things get awkward and downright frustrating, there are two things you should keep in mind: 1. It’s important to set clear boundaries with both your parents and your in-laws. 2. Being with your partner is more important than any family drama.
Check out these 8 Pieces of Advice to Take from Your In-Laws and 5 to Forget.
You might not like it, or, even better, you might like it more, but one thing is for sure: things will change. Your new partner’s sexual preferences will be different from those of your former spouse which means you’ll also have to change some of your sexual tendencies and routines, to match the ones of your current spouse. “You’re going to create a new routine, new life with a new partner and that would also include sex,” says Geter.
To help you out, here are 30 Libido Boosters to Help You Have Better Sex.
For most people, a second marriage is their second chance to a happy life. Unfortunately, despite their best intentions, more than half of the couples who remarry end up divorcing sooner or later, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
Even if the rate of divorce is higher when it comes to second marriages, it doesn’t mean you have to be part of the statistics and not give love and marriage a second chance.
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The first time you decide to tie the knot, you think your future spouse will be by your side forever. it’s normal to think that way, it’s not like you’re heading down the aisle anticipating the moment you’ll get a divorce. For this reason, a prenup seems unnecessary, or offensive, if the topic does come up before the wedding. However, after a failed marriage and the realization that “I do” is not forever, a prenup doesn’t sound like such a bad idea. You might not be the wealthiest person in the world, but a prenup is the best and safest way to make sure whatever money or assets you’ve accumulated over the years remain yours and can be safely inherited by your children, says Charnes.
Before heading for the City Hall, make sure you know all the legal aspects regarding a second marriage. That’s because in certain states residency rules might require a waiting period for remarriage. For instance, in Massachusetts, couples have to wait up to 120 days after getting divorced before tying the know again.
Check the Social Security Administration to find out the rules in your state and avoid an unpleasant surprise.
In many cases, people keep the name of their former spouse even if they got divorced, mostly to avoid the red tape involved in changing their license, Social Security card, passport, bank accounts and the like. If you’re planning to remarry, you need to discuss the name change issue with your future spouse to avoid unnecessary arguments or unpleasant situations down the road.
What’s in a name, some may ask, Well, a lot. For example, if you have established a name for yourself in a certain domain, changing it could affect your career, so keeping your former spouse’s name would be the safest option. There are lots of reasons to keep or change your name but one thing is for sure: you need to have an open conversation with your partner and decide what’s the best course of action.
After their first attempt at marriage failed, people are more inclined to make greater efforts to preserve their second marriage. After all, who wants to fail at marriage twice? According to Linda Charnes, a licensed marriage and family therapist, living and working in New York, people are older and wiser and think past their honeymoon. They know challenges and arguments may come up along the way but they are willing to do whatever it takes to make things work. They know that the effort that goes into fixing things and showing their spouse they care is well worth it in the end.
It can take a lot of time to heal after a failed marriage and a bad divorce. But once you’ve healed and moved on with someone new, it doesn’t mean you should rush things. You don’t have to remarry again in order to be happy. Happiness is not given by a piece of paper. If you love your current partner and have a healthy, functional relationship, you can keep things as they are for a while and tie the knot only when you are sure it’s what both of you want. If you are curious to find out where you stand, check out these 10 Signs Your Relationship Is Solid as a Rock.
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