Going through a divorce is never fun, not even in the best-case scenario where you end things in a friendly manner. It’s often complicated, messy, and challenging. Plus, you need to adjust to a new, single life and it’s not quite easy either.

Being someone’s friend in these situations is also challenging, as you probably don’t know what’s the right thing to say. But someone who’s going through a divorce will likely need a shoulder to cry on and words of encouragement from their close friends. However, there are also some things that should never be said.

Read on to find out how you can show your support for someone going through a divorce!

Make sure to also check: 19 Efficient Ways to Make Your Divorce As Painless as Possible.

1.“How can you get a divorce knowing how much it will affect your kids?”

Divorce can be even more complicated when there are children involved. So before saying something that will make you appear very judgy towards your friend’s decision to divorce, you need to understand that most parents think of their kids before making such an important decision.

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Therefore, if they decided to file for a divorce it probably means the marriage couldn’t be saved anymore. Even though divorce can be messy and painful, sometimes it’s the best thing you can do for your kids’ wellbeing, explains Darci Walker, PsyD, of Core Parenting in Portland, Oregon.

According to Walker, it’s not the divorce itself that affects children the most, but rather the conflict between their parents. For a child, seeing their parents fight all the time is way more painful than knowing they’re not together anymore. That’s why divorce might actually be a good idea in order for the parents to find a way to get along in a healthy manner.

While getting divorced might actually be a healthy decision for yourself and your kids, it’s still not easy, and often comes with guilt. Even when you know getting a divorce is the right choice for your family, it’s still normal to feel a little bit of guilt. That’s why it can be even more hurtful when your friends accuse you of not considering your kids when you know they are all you think about.

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2.“Have you tried counseling?”

This is another question that should be avoided at all costs when you’re trying to support a friend going through a divorce. This question might also make you appear judgy. It’s like your saying the other person has rushed into getting a divorce without trying hard enough to save their marriage.

But the thing is, no matter how good of a friend you are with someone, you can never know what does on behind closed doors. Maybe they even tried counseling several times but it didn’t work for them, and they didn’t want to share it because they feel ashamed. Or, maybe their partner wasn’t interested in counseling and wanted to get a divorce right away, leaving the other person feeling powerless.

No matter the cause, this question can cause a lot of pain. After all, there’s never a right way or a right moment to get a divorce. It can take you by surprise when you least expected it, or maybe you wanted it after years of not getting along with your spouse. Either way, you shouldn’t feel like you need to explain yourself to others.

If you want to support a friend going through a divorce, try to be understanding and assume they’ve tried everything to make things work. Just be there for them and offer a shoulder to cry on, that’s all they need right now.

Read also: Top 13 Most Shocking Facts About Divorce in the U.S.

3.“That would never happen to me and my spouse.”

Someone who’s going through a divorce needs all the support they can get from their friends, so it might not be the best time to start comparing your marriage to theirs. While you might feel like you’re comforting them for pointing out that their marriage was always different, or they never did get along like you and your spouse, these comparisons will do more harm than good.

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According to Dr. Walker, it’s important to understand that your friend might have never seen the divorce coming, even though you feel like they were no good for each other from the start. And even if you feel like you have the perfect marriage and the perfect spouse, they might not want to hear about it during this period of grief and confusion.

“In order to be a supportive friend, we need to sift through our own issues, beliefs, and automatic assumptions and remember that what we think we know isn’t necessarily true. And that supporting our friend through a trying time means suspending our reactions and following their lead,” Dr. Walker added.

If you want to be there for your friend during these hard times, try not to judge their decision and understand that all marriages are different. Also, even happy marriages can end up in divorce. It’s something that can happen to anyone, and even though it’s not a fun experience, it’s something you can learn a lot from.

Here are 14 Surprising Factors That Increase Your Likelihood of Divorce. CLICK HERE to find out more!

4.“I knew from the start they were no good for you.”

While you might have the purest intentions at heart when saying this, it will make you seem like you’re judging your friend’s choices. You might feel like you’re being supportive, but your friend will certainly feel like you’re accusing them of being a bad judge of character.

As Mellissa, Melissa, a woman who divorced a few years ago has explained, “While I might have felt that way at times, it didn’t actually help to think that I might have been wrong to choose him or that my kids’ dad was a bad person (he’s not).”

As Dr. Walker has explained, venting might be a good idea from time to time, but try not to focus too much on the negative aspects. Also, a good friend should try to see both sides of the bigger picture and tell the other person when they’re wrong. If your friend who just got divorced is blaming their ex for everything that went wrong in their marriage and professing hatred towards them, it doesn’t mean you should join them and speak badly about their ex, as well.

Instead, a good friend should allow the other person to vent, cry and even scream if they feel like it, without making similar comments. You can be there for a friend even when you don’t always agree with them.

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5.“You need space.”

Getting a divorce is life-changing. You’re no longer leaving with the person you’ve shared a bed with for years and years, maybe you’re not even talking to them anymore, not seeing their face in the morning…

At the same time, if there are children involved, you’ll be forced to find a way to make things work and learn more about co-parenting, which is definitely easier said than done. Even when your marriage didn’t work, you’re still a family and your children’s wellbeing should be your top priority.

It’s OK to need some time to process things. And even when the other person is not saying it out loud, a good friend will know exactly when the other person needs space. However, you need to make sure your friend knows you’re there for them. Don’t just start uninviting them to dinners and friends gathering just because you feel they need space.

Or, you no longer hang out with them because they’re single now and you’re still leaving a married life and fall out of contact all of a sudden. These things can hurt a lot, especially for someone who’s seen their whole life change after getting divorced.

Therefore, if you feel like your friend needs some time to process things, let them know you’re still there for them even when you don’t reach out. Alyssa, a woman who just went through a divorce explained that it can be very painful when friends completely erase you from their lives after you get divorced.

Even when they don’t say it out loud, it’s like they don’t want to be friends anymore because you’re single and live a different life now, she added. Therefore, if you want to be a good, supportive friend, try not to isolate them and act as nothing happened. In fact, Dr. Walker recommends putting in an extra effort, reach out frequently, and let your friend know you’re there for them.

Here are 10 Telltale Signs That Your Partner Wants to Divorce. CLICK HERE to read more about this topic!

6.“Find a good lawyer and take them for everything they got.”

A divorce can bring a lot of mixed feelings, including pain, grief, fear, confusion, relief in some cases, and a lot of anger. You might feel very angry at the other person when you never wanted to get a divorce, or they’ve lied and cheated several times until you’re left with no other choice than this. It’s natural to feel angry when you’ve tried to make things work and you feel like the other person hasn’t tried enough.

However, a good friend shouldn’t fuel your desire for revenge. According to Dr. Walker, if you concentrate too much on the negative feeling and you’re constantly looking for revenge, you might not be able to move on with your life.

Anna, a woman who got divorced several years ago explained why this comment can be very hurtful. When you get divorced, no matter why you choose to do it, the other person doesn’t suddenly become this bad, bad person that deserves cold-hearted treatment.

Just because someone made mistakes doesn’t mean they’re the devil and should be treated as such. Just because you get a divorce doesn’t mean the other person becomes your enemy. Why they always have to be the bad guy? There is such thing as ending a beautiful marriage in a friendly manner.

As Dr. Walker has explained, a lot of people nowadays have started treating divorce differently than they used to back in the day. Divorce doesn’t necessarily have to be ugly. You can still treat each other with kindness and respect, and learn to communicate with each other for the sake of the children.

It’s important to create a co-parenting arrangement that works for both of you and your children as well. When there are children involved, you need to set aside your negative feelings, because it’s your responsibility to show your kids that they still got a family even though their parents are no longer together romantically. You need to find a healthy way to communicate with your ex for the wellbeing of your children.

Read also: 12 Common Reasons Why People Get a Divorce.

7.“I’m still in shock. What happened between you two?”

Feeling curious is natural, especially when you’ve been friends with them for years and they’ve always seemed to get along. However, the last thing they might want to hear right now is someone asking questions about their divorce.

You can be a good friend and show your support without throwing a lot of questions at them. After all, if they want to share with you the details, they will when they’ll be ready. If not, it’s not your business to ask.

Make sure to also check: 5 Divorcées Share What Made Them Realize That Their Marriage Was Over.

8.What you can do for a friend who just got divorced.

Just be there for them, Walker said. You just need to listen and show your support. That doesn’t mean you should be your friend’s therapist. If you feel like they need professional help, you should recommend them to go to therapy.

But you need to understand that it’s not your job to fix them. Instead, you should focus on being a good friend and letting them know you’re there for them at all times. It’s OK to not have the right answers, or not know what to say all the time, but what’s important is that you’re present and they can count on you.

As Dr. Walker has explained, “divorce is a transition, not the end, and there is no right or wrong answer.” At the same time, you can show your support in different ways, either by offering to share an ice cream while watching sad movies, inviting your friend over to your house for dinner, listen to them vent, or simply reaching out to see how they’re doing.

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