New love can be so intense that we often miss the early signs that show that a relationship may be doomed. Here are the red flags experts say you should be aware of.
You’re not on the same page
You found someone that shares your passion for watching horror movies. But what about the other stuff, the one’s that truly matter, like the core values you hold more dear than the small things?
“It’s vital that a couple share a basic, overall picture of how they’d like for their lives to unfold—financially, family, spiritually, lifestyle, contributions to the world, etc.,” says relationship expert Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Bregman.
“If it’s becoming apparent from the beginning that you’re both not on the same page with some of life’s core basics, it’s a great sign that this person isn’t ‘the one’ for you,” says Bregman.
You keep your guard up
Maybe you’ve never been an open book, but if the person you’re whit makes you keep your guard up at all times, it’s a sign that it’s never going to work between you two.
“If you’re finding that you are uneasy with your new partner and unable to drop your guard and be vulnerable, this doesn’t bode well for the future. It’s difficult to have truly honest communication and to share love, fears, and hopes without judgment if you can’t be fully real with them,” explains Bregman.
Your partner can do no wrong
Your new love doesn’t admit where they’re wrong, like never-ever: That’s clearly a red flag. “If the new person you’re seeing has a hard time showing you they’re imperfect, or apologizing for even silly mistakes, this relationship probably will not last,” says Bregman.
If you make a certain gesture or an unexpected gift, and your partner instantly sees your generosity as a sign of guilty conscience and accuses you of betrayal, your relationship with that person isn’t going to last.
Bregman points out that a partner who projects their own issues or insecurities onto you is unlikely to be a keeper. “It’s a sign this relationship doesn’t have a rosy future.”
When your new love frequently tests your patience, it’s a fool’s errand, Bergman says. Some partners do it by not answering your texts for hours when you’re looking for them while posting pics on social media of them out with friends. “It’s a clear sign this relationship probably has an expiration date that is just around the corner,” says Bregman.
Not in sync spiritually
If you know there are some topics you shouldn’t bring up at dinner parties or with new acquaintances, like politics, religion or finances, because you’ll have a fight, it’s a red flag that shows you two are incompatible. But all discussions are wide open when you’re sizing someone up for the long haul, says Bregman.
His tip is to simply lay out your beliefs and expectations with as much honesty as possible. “Explain what you mean, not just theoretically, but practically as well,” advises Bregman.
For instance, if you like going to church every Sunday, let them know that, in order to help your partner understand how much your beliefs mean to you, he says. How they react will tell you all you need to know.
One way or the highway
If your partner only goes to the movies they want to see, only eat at the restaurants they’re interested in, and only meet you when it’s convenient to them, watch out: “This may be a sign that the person is not going to take your thoughts or feelings into consideration moving forward,” says Deacon.
Nasty to others
If they’re nice to you, but nasty to others, be aware that one day he’ll act like that with you as well. If they often lose their cool with wait staff and salespeople, watch out: You could be next, warns Deacon. “Be careful and mindful of how they treat others, for as the relationship develops, that same treatment will most definitely come your way,” says Deacon.
They won’t come clean about the relationship
It’s been a couple of months and they still don’t want to talk about what’s going on between you two.
“Clarify whether this is a fling, an open relationship, or a relationship where both parties are hoping to cultivate a future and act accordingly,” says Deacon.
If your new partner avoids this serious conversation or makes jokes about it, they’re not respecting you enough, according to Deacon: “It’s an indication that the person does not have the emotional capacity or maturity to handle tough conversations.”
Your hypercritical partner tells you on a daily basis that you are fat. Maybe they’re joking, maybe not. Perhaps that dress does make you look fat, or yes, maybe you’ve gained some weight recently.
Stop right there: If they affect your confidence and lower your self-esteem, it’s time to leave. According to marriage and family therapist Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT, emotional abuse is when one partner makes the other feel afraid and lowers their self-esteem with the goal of making them feel like no one else in the world will love them as they do.
“Often times the person suffering abuse will feel that they can’t leave the emotional abuser because there is no one better out there for them,” she warns.