I think we can all agree that feeling frustrated or angry when your partner does something you don’t like is probably one of the worst emotions out there. You can actually feel the blood rushing to your head, the rage, the desire to lash out, and even some kind of bad butterflies in your stomach. These feelings usually make you react in some unexpected ways, leading to the most natural response that makes you say something that you might regret later.

While it’s our natural reaction as humans to want to defend ourselves in life-or-death situations, it isn’t the right way to act in a relationship, that’s for sure. According to relationship expert Terry Real, this feeling is ‘the whoosh’. Additionally, psychotherapist Juliane Taylor Shore, LPS adds this reaction can happen in one-twelfth of a second. Why?

Therapist Julia Bartz, LSW has the answer. The response usually activates your brainstem, the part of the brain that is responsible for ensuring your survival. Also, when entering survival mode, it’s almost impossible to have a productive conversation with your partner. Instead of raging at your significant other, you might want to think of another method that helps you have an open conversation.

If you don’t learn how to control the way you react when you’re angry, your relationship might be at risk. While it’s definitely easier said than done, Bartz says you should try and make an effort if you want to keep your relationship. Read on to discover what you need to do the next time you feel like raging at your partner in order to not ruin your relationship!

Here are 19 Expert-Recommended Ways to Be a More Thoughtful and Proactive Partner.

1.Acknowledge the feeling

The first and most important thing you can do when you feel ‘the whoosh’ is to acknowledge that feeling. You need to be ok with the fact that it will happen once in a while, whether you like it or not. You can’t control how often it happens, but you can control how you react to it and how much it influences your life. And you can’t do that unless you acknowledge the feeling in the first place.

2.Try to calm down

After acknowledging the feeling, you need to take a minute or two to calm your emotions. According to Bartz, you could say something like: “I’m going to say I need to grab more hot water for my tea so that I have a few minutes to calm down. It seems like [they] are in a bad mood today; maybe this isn’t about me.”
Before rushing to give a response, you need to make sure you’re emotionally stable and able to talk without lashing out at your partner.

Also discover the 14 Signs of a Strong and Healthy Relationship, According to Psychologists.

3.Understand what you want to achieve with your response

Now that we’ve established how important it is t calm your emotions, you need to understand what you want to achieve with your response. If you want to make your partner realize that they said or did something wrong that made you feel awful, you need to make sure you explain it to them in a peaceful and tranquil manner, without raising your voice or saying mean things you might regret later, Bartz says.

4.You shouldn’t beat yourself up when you fail

You need to understand that no one is able to successfully take these steps all the time, but it’s normal, we’re all humans and we sometimes go through situations that make it impossible for us to stay calm. However, you got to keep trying. According to Bartz, “Remember, this internal redirect isn’t easy.”

“You may find that at first, you’re only able to catch yourself after you’ve reacted. But with time and practice, you should be able to notice strong emotions that arise and take a timeout,” in order to reach a place where you can communicate effectively without triggering a huge fight.

Make sure to also check the 10 Reasons Why You’re Still Single, According to Experts.