We’ve all been there, dealing with a toxic partner and not knowing how to escape, because you love them. Or if you haven’t been in a toxic relationship, you certainly know someone who has, and it’s not a very pretty experience.

Chances are, a close friend of yours is going through something similar and you want to be helpful, but simply do not know how. But seeing your friend in a toxic relationship is more than seeing them not clicking with their partner or not getting along. Toxic relationships are painful, disrespectful, and frustrating, and it’s definitely not an easy topic to discuss with anyone, so you’ll need to learn how to talk to someone who’s going through this.

Make sure to also check the 5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship.

As a friend, you probably want what’s best for them and know how they deserve to be treated. Also, it can be easier to spot someone’s toxic behavior when you’re not directly involved with them. But when you notice your friend not being treated well by their partner, it’s normal to want to express your concerns and help them overcome the situation.

You need to be prepared to face a defensive friend, because it’s usually not easy opening up about relationship problems, especially when you want it to work. That’s why it’s vital for you to learn how to be a good friend to someone in need, without overstepping your boundaries.

Read on to discover how you should talk to a close friend that’s going through a toxic relationship, according to experts!

Here are 10 Signs of a Toxic Relationship—Are You the Toxic One? CLICK HERE to read more about this topic!

1. First things first…What is a toxic relationship?

There’s definitely not one single explanation that applies to everyone, because ‘toxic’ can mean different things to different people, but in general, you know a relationship is toxic when it feels unhealthy when you’re more sad than happy, and it does you more harm than good.

According to Dr. Carla Manly, in order to spot a toxic relationship, it’s important to be around the couple and see both your friend’s and their partner’s behavior. As Dr. Manly likes to say, “A few signs of hidden toxicity include a fear of talking about the relationship, fabrications involving the relationship, or excuse-making for the partner.”

Here are 5 Most Common Manipulation Tactics Used by Highly Toxic People. CLICK HERE for more info!

“If the partner is verbally rude, dismissive, sarcastic, or critical, you can be relatively sure that the relationship is toxic. On the physical end, it’s important to look out for signs of being physically rough, overly possessive, or—at the other extreme—completely disinterested,” Dr. Manly added.

Additionally, it’s easier to spot toxic behavior when you learn to detach and observe. So you should put aside what you don’t like about a certain individual and try to focus on what you don’t like about their behavior and observe the way they treat your friend. Even if you’ve seen already signs of a toxic partner in your friend’s relationship, before bringing up the topic make sure to pay close attention to the situation.

Make sure to also check the 10 Signs You’re Dating A Narcissist.

Before expressing your concerns, Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, suggests asking yourself these questions first:

• Is the relationship affecting their mental state? But what about their physical health?
• Is the relationship impacting their quality of life, including friendships, family life, work, and other interests?
• Did their behavior change since they started dating this person?
• Is your friend’s self-esteem affected by the relationship? How do they feel about themselves?

These questions will help you determine how toxic is the relationship, and if you find that the answers are worrying, it would probably be wise to voice your concerns and have an open conversation with them.

Also read: What Is Breadcrumbing and How to Recognize This Manipulative Behavior.

2. But how it’s appropriate to talk to a friend that’s going through a toxic relationship?

Firstly and very importantly, make sure you do not approach them with judgment. According to Dr. Jess, you should start the conversation with general questions such as: ‘How are things going between you two?’ or ‘Are you happy in the relationship?”.

Make sure to also check: The Words That Can Ruin Your Relationship, According to Experts.

This way, your friend might feel like they can open up to you and they will start talking about the problem without you having to ask them directly, says Dr. Manly. Also, you should pay close attention to the language you use when talking to them, as it’s very important in making them feel comfortable enough in order to open up to you about the issue.

Reassure them that they can count on you by saying things like ‘I am here for you’ or ‘you deserve to feel happy, loved, and appreciated in your relationship’ or even normalize the situation by telling them that relationships can get complicated sometimes. No matter what you say to them, it needs to come from a place of love, and empathy, and you need to make sure they feel it too.

Here are 8 Sure Signs You’re a Victim of Love Bombing. CLICK HERE to find out more!

Dr. Jess recommends you to “Focus on sharing experiences as opposed to solutions.” Also, make sure you’re not acting as an expert who has it all working perfectly, talk about your own vulnerabilities, your failures, and your fears, talk to them about your own screw-ups and how you got over them. When people are going through a toxic relationship, is very important for them to feel like they’re not alone.

Try to stay away from harsh comments like ‘I never liked them’ or ‘I knew it was something wrong with them from the start’. Your friend doesn’t need someone to judge them and their choices, and you can only make them shut down or feel even worse than they did before talking to you.

Here are 7 Signs It Might Be Time to Move On.

However, when your friend is married to a toxic person or has kids with them, it can be a little tricky and it’s normal to ask yourself whether it would be appropriate to express your concerns or not. However, no matter the circumstances, if you see that a friend of yours is going through something and need support, you need to be there for them, agree Dr. Manly and Dr. Jess.

“Sometimes it’s a courageous statement made by a friend or loved one that opens the door to leaving the toxic relationship,” Dr. Manly continued saying.

Learn How to Trust Your Partner Again After Betrayal. CLICK HERE to read more about this topic!

3. How you should deal with a friend that becomes defensive?

As previously mentioned, opening up about relationship issues is not easy and it takes a lot of strength and courage, so it is natural that some people become defensive. The whole point of using your words right, staying away from judgment, and being supportive is to make them feel comfortable opening up to you.

Make sure to also check the 10 Signs You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship and It’s Time to Get Out.

But sometimes, people get defensive out of shame, or even fear, Dr. Manly explains. So if you see that your friend became defensive the minute you brought the subject, reassure them that they can’t talk to you and anything they share is confidential. Make them feel like they can trust you and all you want to do is help, without any kind of judging. If your friend is still defensive after saying all those things, you shouldn’t pressure them into having a discussion they don’t feel ready to have. It’s ok to back down and give them space.

See also: How You Can Tell If Your Partner Is Going to Break Your Heart.

You can say something like ‘If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here’ and give them the space to figure things out on their own. You need to focus on being a good friend, even if they don’t want to talk about their relationship issues. Reassure them how much they mean to you and how you’ll always be their friend.

If you’re still worried, bring the subject up some other time, who knows, maybe they’ll feel ready to discuss it then!

Can Your Partner Become Abusive? These 15 Signs Will Let You Know. CLICK HERE to discover more!